


You're My Only Home

by draco_illius_noctis



Series: Hearts are Not Chained at First Sight [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Awkwardness, Cullen wants to take his time, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Manual stimulation, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, New Relationship, Non-Canon Relationship, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Tension, Slow build to sex, Smut, only cause of their relationship really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-03-24 20:45:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3783775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draco_illius_noctis/pseuds/draco_illius_noctis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen and Dorian are navigating the waters of their new relationship, and both are unsure of exactly how to proceed. Dorian wants to go fast, Cullen wants to go slow; Cullen wants a clear definition of their relationship, Dorian doesn't think it's necessary. </p><p>Considering neither of them have actually had a <i>real</i> relationship before, they're pretty much just figuring it out (or making it up) as they go along.</p><p>This part will pick up a few weeks after "I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday" and will include the quests "Here Lies the Abyss" and "Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts" (although not necessarily in that order).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. With My Eyes Closed

**Author's Note:**

> I should mention that these were all written under my previous AO3 name, manaveris_dracona. I had a couple people ask and no, it's not a co-authored fic, I just merged all my stuff together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Dorian aren't quite in agreement on how fast they should be progressing. 
> 
> Cullen doesn't mean to be a tease. Really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd recommend reading Part 1 of this series, "I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday" (found [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3544031/chapters/7802033)) before reading this one, mainly for characterization and references. It can be read on its own though, if you want.
> 
> Starting off Part 2 with smut? Sure, why not!
> 
> Not beta'd, so blame any mistakes on me.

“I do wish you’d make more interesting wagers, Commander,” Dorian sighed one day. Cullen had just beaten him at chess for the fourth game in as many days, and Dorian was not pleased to be on the losing end once again. 

Cullen grinned. They had started making friendly bets over their games in the last couple of weeks, just to “spice things up”, as Dorian called it. They were simple, inoffensive tasks, done solely for their own amusement. Cullen lost the first bet, and was forced to walk around shirtless for an entire day (to the delight of Skyhold). Yesterday, Dorian was required to spend the afternoon with Blackwall in the barn, as the Warden attempted to teach him how to carve wood. Dorian had shown up to dinner that evening still covered in bits of wood shavings and sawdust, staring daggers at Cullen as the Commander tried not to laugh. They were silly bets, but the duo enjoyed having a little extra fun at the other’s expense. 

“Getting bored of me, already?” Cullen replied, still grinning. 

“Of course not,” Dorian scoffed, “but wouldn’t you care to find out what I have in mind?”

Cullen just raised an eyebrow in response. He knew what Dorian had in mind; the mage was not exactly one to keep his opinions to himself. 

They had been together officially for just a few weeks now, and while they weren’t exactly hiding their relationship (he was pretty sure everyone knew anyway), Dorian was not one for outward displays of affection – something which surprised Cullen. 

But behind closed doors, it was another story. As soon as they were alone, Dorian couldn’t wait to devour him. He made it very clear that he was ready to move their relationship forward, and while Cullen was tempted (very tempted) at times, he remained firm. 

“I am well aware what you have in mind,” he smirked. Cullen stood and stretched slightly, glancing around before walking over to Dorian. He leaned down and spoke lowly, brushing the mage’s ear with his lips. 

“But if you would care to join me in my office, you may enlighten me on what I’m missing.”

Dorian jumped up quickly to follow the Commander.

“You know, I do believe I forgot to retrieve a book from your library the other day,” he remarked casually, as they passed several others. “Would it be alright if I came and fetched it?”

Cullen coughed into his hand to hide his smile. Such a subtle man Dorian was.

“That would be fine,” he replied seriously, playing along. “I am on my way there now.”

They made their way to Cullen’s office, quickly, but not fast enough to draw attention. Cullen was relieved to see no recruits hovering outside and no urgent messages awaiting him. 

The Commander closed the door behind them and was immediately backed into it, head hitting the wall as Dorian’s eager mouth met his. His groan was cut off as Dorian’s tongue found its way past his lips, meeting his own as he became intoxicated by the mage's scent. He settled his hands on Dorian’s hips, just as impatiently pulling the man closer so their bodies were flush. They stood in this position for several minutes, hands roaming as they expelled the built up tension from the day. 

Dorian nipped at Cullen’s bottom lip before pulling away slightly. 

“This would be much more pleasant without all _this_ ,” he breathed, gesturing at Cullen’s armor. “Why you insist on wearing it all day is beyond-“ 

Cullen silenced him with another kiss as he pushed him gently towards the ladder. Instead of ridding his body of the arousal that had been building over the last couple of days, Dorian only seemed to be increasing it as they touched.

The mage let out a soft huff as he bumped into the side of the ladder.

“Point taken,” Dorian chuckled, before climbing into the Commander’s loft. 

They had done this a couple of times before, pushing the boundaries of their relationship despite Cullen’s reluctance, and he knew he was playing with fire every time. 

He followed Dorian into the loft, removing his coat once he reached the top. Dorian attempted to help him with the buckles on his armor, but he pushed him away, gesturing for the mage to stand near the bed. He made a show of slowly unfastening his armor, laying it piece by piece on the rack as Dorian watched appreciatively. 

“One day you’ll keep going,” he sighed with disappointment as Cullen finished, standing before him still in his boots, trousers and shirt. Dorian always remarked that he felt overdressed. 

Cullen smirked as he approached the man, tenderly taking him back into his arms. He began planting lazy kisses down Dorian’s jaw and neck, causing the mage to shiver as he wrapped his arms around the Commander’s upper body for support. He raked his nails down Cullen’s back, causing the man to moan into Dorian’s neck as he tilted the mage’s head to kiss further. Dorian gasped as Cullen hit a sensitive spot, threading his fingers through the Commander’s hair to encourage him further. Cullen began to move them both slowly forward, until the back of Dorian’s knees hit the bed and they both went tumbling down.

Dorian laid on his back, staring up with heavy-lidded eyes as Cullen hovered on top of him, hands on either side of his shoulders. He surveyed the man below him, taking in the sight of his slightly pink cheeks and swollen lips. Dorian smiled, reaching up to tug lightly on a strand of Cullen’s hair that had become misplaced. Cullen loved seeing Dorian like this; mask gone, genuine affection and playfulness that was for his eyes only. 

_You should stop this now_ , he told himself, even as he leaned down to earnestly kiss Dorian again. Dorian moaned as their lips met, parting his legs so Cullen could settle more easily against him. 

Their kisses escalated rapidly as both sets of lips parted and their tongues met once again. Dorian was clutching now to Cullen’s shirt, holding the man desperately as the Commander propped himself up. They were panting, their kisses becoming sloppy as their lips sought out any expanse of skin they could reach. Cullen moved to nip and kiss Dorian’s neck again as the mage wrapped one leg around him. 

Cullen could feel his erection straining against his pants, and if he shifted slightly he knew he would find Dorian’s as well. The mage’s leg was urging him onward, and Cullen unconsciously thrust forward, triggering low moans from them both.

“Dorian…” Cullen gasped as he pushed himself up, straining against the leg Dorian kept firmly in place. “We shouldn’t…”

“We _should_ ,” Dorian purred as he bucked up slightly, rubbing them together again.

Cullen moaned at the contact before he could stop himself. He had taken it too far, once again; limited by his own self-imposed rule that they should not do more than kiss. 

He forced himself to roll onto his side and out from Dorian’s grasp. The mage let out a frustrated growl as he threw one arm over his eyes, breathing deeply. Cullen could see the man’s cock vividly outlined against his pants, and he shifted to hide his own.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, reaching for Dorian’s other arm. The mage jerked it away before sitting up and swinging his legs over the side, his back to Cullen. Dorian sighed as he slumped forward, elbows on his knees as he ran his fingers through his hair. Cullen sat up as well and moved behind him, wrapping his arms around the other man’s waist hesitantly. Dorian allowed it as he huffed again.

“No need for apologies,” he said in a strained voice. “It was my fault, pushing you when you are not willing. Just allow me to collect myself and I’ll be off.”

Cullen rested his head against the mage’s shoulder, staying silent as he calmed his breathing. He felt horrible. 

_If you keep doing this, one day he’s going to leave and not come back_ , he chastised himself. The idea sent a jolt of panic through his stomach, but he forced himself to relax. It had only been a couple of weeks; surely that wasn’t too long to wait?

Dorian unwrapped Cullen’s arms from his waist and stood, pausing before the man’s mirror to adjust his hair and clothing before walking towards the ladder. Cullen sat dejectedly on the edge of the bed, watching.

“Dinner, later?” he asked uncertainly. 

Dorian paused before giving him a sad smile as he nodded. “Meet you there,” he replied with a small wave, descending the ladder and disappearing out of sight. 

Cullen groaned in self-annoyance as he flopped back down on his bed. His pillow smelled like Dorian and he immediately missed the press of the man’s lips. He could still feel Dorian’s body twisted with his own as he thought about the eager and frantic caresses he lavished upon his body.

Cullen could feel the heat pooling in his abdomen as his cock began to stir again, still half hard from earlier. He moaned as he tried to ignore it.

_Go work_ , he instructed himself. _Red templars and fade demons will do wonders for your arousal._

But the more he tried to ignore it, the more he thought of Dorian...very _specific_ parts of Dorian. How he ran his hands down the mage’s body as they lay together, planting passionate kisses that were sure to leave marks all along his neck and throat. How he wanted nothing more than to tear Dorian's clothes off and keep kissing downward until he could wrap his lips around the man’s cock, slowly bringing him to an earth-shattering orgasm. 

Cullen fumbled with the ties on his pants as he undid them, freeing himself and sighing at the immediate relief. It only took a few quick strokes before he was completely hard again, body covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he let his thoughts roam. 

In his mind, Dorian was on top of him, naked and hard as he ran his fingertips down Cullen’s chest and across his hips before taking his cock in hand, like Cullen was doing now. He could see Dorian’s smirk and the glint in his eyes as he watched what his hands were doing to Cullen’s body. He imagined the man slowly stroking him, reaching with his other hand to gently massage his balls as he made Cullen squirm. He mimicked the movements on himself, feeling the flush spread deeper through his body as his breath and strokes sped up.

He pictured Dorian softly kissing his tip, making eye contact before taking the head into his mouth, sucking lightly. Cullen groaned and bucked his hips upward involuntarily, thoughts of driving himself deeper into the man’s mouth overtaking him. He swiped his thumb over the top, spreading the rapidly leaking precum down as he stroked faster. 

He began thrusting into his hand as he moaned, louder than he probably should have. Coherent thoughts disappeared as all he could focus on was the image of Dorian’s mouth greedily taking as much of him down his throat as possible. He braced one still-booted foot against the bed, providing more leverage to move his hips as he thrust harder. 

He was panting deeply now, mouth hanging open as he squeezed his eyes shut harder. His mind blanked as all he could focus on was his own pleasure and rapidly-approaching orgasm. His movements became jerky has his cock swelled, and he came with a shout as he spilled over his hand and onto his shirt.

Cullen rested for a minute as his breathing slowed, before sitting up and pulling off his shirt. He wiped himself off before retying his pants and walking over to the basin to wash up. He stared at himself in the mirror as his pulse returned to normal, splashing water over his still-flushed face and making himself presentable again. 

He needed to make a decision soon; he spent too many days and nights bringing himself to a barely-satisfying orgasm because he wouldn’t allow Dorian to do it for him. And if he was getting frustrated, he couldn’t imagine how he must be making the mage feel.

He redressed in a new shirt and his armor, deciding to get some of his neglected work done before meeting Dorian for dinner. 

He began climbing down his ladder, distracted by the list of reports he needed to sort through, so he neglected to see the fact that he was not alone until he was halfway down. He froze – mind and body – as he took in the sight ahead of him.

Dorian was sitting in his usual seat next to the shelves, a book spread conspicuously across his lap as he gazed languidly at the man, a small smirk gracing the corner of his mouth. 

“Enjoy yourself, Commander?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy my brain has gotten back into writing mode. I missed these two.
> 
> I wasn't sure how to tag Cullen in this part...there has to be a word (I wasn't sure if demisexual applied, I apologize if I'm using the term incorrectly, maybe PTSD would work more?), but I hope it's clear that he isn't "blue-balling" Dorian, for lack of a better term. It'll be more fleshed out in the upcoming chapters, but I view Cullen as being pretty inexperienced (although not necessarily a virgin; in my headcanon he's not) and he hasn't had very good luck in the romance department...so he's very hesitant. I think it's probably something most of us can understand, but I know the negative connotations this has, so I wanted to clarify, just for my own sake.
> 
> Alsooo...I'm hoping I can update this pretty regularly, but I'm getting into the busiest 3 months of the year for my job, so I may not have as much time. I could be talking out of my ass though, so don't hold me to that.
> 
> As usual, I love hearing from all of you, so comments/critiques/kudos more than welcome :)


	2. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian definitely enjoyed the scene he just witnessed.  
> Then he gets some unpleasant news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick-ish chapter. I liked it better separated from the next one. 
> 
> I also like Dorian teasing Cullen *cough*rememberforlater*cough*

Cullen gaped at the man sitting a few feet away, too stunned to answer Dorian’s question.

“Commander?” Dorian asked again, putting aside his book as he stood and strode over. “Are you quite well?”

He circled Cullen slowly, taking in the sight of the man’s flushed cheeks and hastily arranged hair as Cullen began nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

Still unresponsive, Dorian approached him from behind, wrapping his hands around the Commander’s hips as he tilted himself up slightly, brushing his lips to the man’s neck. He gently nipped at an earlobe, causing Cullen’s breath to hitch.

Cullen nodded shakily as Dorian teased his neck with his mouth, biting and licking to draw more quiet moans from the man. Keeping one hand on his hip, Dorian circled around to stand in front of Cullen again, smiling at the heated look he was given.

“That wasn’t very nice, Commander,” Dorian purred as he stepped closer. “You arouse me so thoroughly and then have all the fun after I leave.” 

Cullen’s eyes flickered to the mage’s briefly before looking away again. He blushed deeper as he refused to make eye contact. 

Dorian leaned forward again, cupping the back of Cullen’s head as he kissed him, deep and slow, running the other hand down the Commander’s chest and onto the bulge in his pants. 

“I have a mind to make you give me a repeat performance. Here. In my chair,” he whispered. “But unfortunately, I have been ordered to meet with the Inquisitor, so we shall have to wait.”

He kissed Cullen again as he grinned mischievously and walked towards the door.

“Don't think I will forget this, Commander. I’ll be looking forward to dinner.” 

Cullen let out a shaky breath as he heard the door close. He went to sit at his desk, head in his hands as he attempted to calm his racing heartbeat. 

_You've gotten yourself into a fine predicament, Rutherford._

* * *

Dorian left Cullen’s office and headed for the main hall. Lavellan had asked to meet him in the war room to discuss a “sensitive matter”, and he was curious to see if any of his leads from Tevinter had panned out.

But first, he needed to collect himself.

He paused just inside the doorway to the rotunda, grateful that Solas did not appear to be in his room at the moment. 

A messenger had approached Dorian as he left Cullen’s office the first time, informing him of the Inquisitor’s request. He decided to return and tell the Commander, in the event he was detained through dinner. 

He noticed that Cullen had not yet returned to his desk, so he decided to climb up to the loft instead of yelling through the hole in the floor. 

He was about halfway up when he heard a groan. He paused as he turned his head slightly, listening for another sound.

 _That can’t possibly have been…_ he thought, just as he heard another low moan. 

Curiosity overtaking him, he quietly climbed the rest of the way, peeking his head up just enough to get an unobstructed view. His knees almost buckled as he saw the Commander spread on his bed, pants around his knees and eyes closed as he stroked himself. His mouth was partially open as he panted, moaning gradually louder as he neared his release.

Dorian was mesmerized and once again, completely turned on. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite see _all_ of the Commander, his hand and pants obstructing the view of the one appendage he had been eagerly waiting to enjoy. He watched Cullen in fascination as his own arousal grew; forcing himself to keep his hands away only because there was a chance someone could see. He didn’t need some fresh-faced recruit to walk in on him pleasuring himself as he spied on the Commander.

He got a small thrill knowing that he was the cause of Cullen’s current state. He debated informing the man of his presence, but he had a feeling Cullen would be mortified at being caught. They were progressing slowly enough as it was; he didn’t want to risk a setback when he was more than sure that he wanted to move forward, and soon.

Cullen came with a loud shout, and Dorian shuddered as he watched the man writhe on the bed before slowly calming down. He quickly descended the ladder and moved towards the door to leave. But he remembered his original reason for returning and decided to wait. If Cullen descended and acted as if nothing had just happened, he would as well. But if not…

He sat in his chair and hastily grabbed the closest book, opening it and laying it across his lap to hide his arousal. He sat quietly as he heard Cullen moving around above him, waiting patiently for the main to return. 

A few minutes later, he saw Cullen’s boots appear on the ladder and watched as the Commander caught sight of him as he climbed down. A look of shock appeared on his face, replaced with the dawning realization that Dorian had overheard everything that just occurred. He felt almost bad for the man…but decided to have a little fun.

And now, here he was. His brief conversation did nothing to lessen his ache for the Commander - and now he was expected to have a serious conversation with the Inquisitor, as if he didn’t just watch his would-be lover pleasure himself. At least he had dinner to look forward to, and he fully intended to continue what he had started.

He finally pulled himself together and made his way to the war room. He was surprised as he entered and saw only Lavellan present. It hadn’t even occurred to him that Cullen should have been there as well. And where were Leliana and Josephine? He closed the door behind him and put on a confident smile as he approached the table, hoping to mask his rising uneasiness.

Lavellan appeared just as nervous as he felt, which didn’t help matters.

“Hello, Dorian,” she began, twisting her hands in front of her. “I, uh, need to talk to you about something.”

A feeling of dread slowly sank into the pit of his stomach. Whatever was coming was not going to be good news.

She picked up a piece of paper. “There’s a letter that you need to see.”

“A letter?” he repeated, stepping forward. He winked at her, hoping (and failing) to evoke a smile. “Is it a naughty letter? A humorous proposal from some Antivan dowager?”

“It’s…from your father,” she replied as he took the letter from her hand.

The weight in his stomach was like lead. His relationship (or lack thereof) with his parents was not relevant to his new life with the Inquisition, and not one he wanted to distract him from his duties. He especially did not want anyone to know what his father attempted to do – especially not Cullen. Not until he was ready to tell the man himself.

“My father,” he stated, tonelessly, as he unfolded the letter. “I see. And what does Magister Halward want, pray tell?”

“A meeting,” Lavellan replied, watching Dorian’s reaction closely.

Dorian skimmed through the letter. “Look at this nonsense! 'I know my son'? What my father knows of me would barely fill a thimble! This is so typical…”  
He trailed off, fuming as he clenched his fist around the paper. So it had come to this.

“Dorian?” Lavellan started tentatively, interrupting his thoughts. 

“How much do you want to bet this _retainer_ is a hired henchman, meant to drag me off back to Tevinter?” he yelled. Lavellan flinched at the anger behind his words.

“Do you think he would really do that?” she asked. 

He scoffed. “No, but I wouldn’t put it past him.” 

“There appears to be bad blood between you and your family,” Lavellan began. “Do you –“

“They don’t care for my choices, nor I for theirs,” he interjected. 

“Because you wouldn’t get married? Because you left?” she asked sympathetically. 

“That too,” he sneered. He really didn’t feel like discussing this. He knew he could trust Lavellan, but it was too sore a subject to just blurt out without any forethought.

“I think you should meet with this retainer,” she urged, coming closer. She laid a hand on Dorian’s arm in encouragement. “At least find out what he wants.”

“I didn’t ask what _you_ want, now did I?” he snapped, immediately regretting it as he saw Lavellan’s face fall and she stepped away. He sighed. 

“That…was unworthy. I apologize,” he said. “There’d be no harm in hearing what this man of my father’s has to say.”

Lavellan smiled tentatively and nodded her head.

“If I don’t like it, however, I want to leave,” he warned. He had a strong feeling he wasn’t going to like anything this messenger had to say.

“I think we should leave right away,” Lavellan said decisively. “As long as you’re ready, of course.”

“You...do not need to come with me, Anais,” Dorian said gently. He would have preferred to meet with the retainer alone, but from the look on Lavellan’s face she was not going to take no for an answer.

“I understand if you don’t want to take any of our friends,” she replied, “but I will not let you deal with this alone.”

Dorian felt a wave of affection for the woman. She had the best of intentions, and he supposed he should welcome the support of someone like her. Someone he actually considered a real friend.

“Very well,” he sighed. “Allow me to pack a few things and I shall be ready to go.”

She hesitated briefly. “Do you…want some time to speak with Cullen before we go? I would offer to take him along as well, if it would help, but I’m not sure we can spare him.” 

The words hit him like a punch in the gut. Telling Cullen. He hadn’t even thought of that. 

“Of course not,” he replied, shaking his head. “The Commander has far more important duties here and should not be distracted by my own personal drama.”

Lavellan smiled uncertainly before nodding. “Alright, I’ll ask Master Dennet to ready the horses. We can go as soon as you say.”

They parted ways once they hit the main hall and Dorian headed back towards his quarters to pack. His mind was racing with the potential scenarios ahead of him.

And then there was Cullen.

He had no idea how to tell him. If he was vague, Cullen would demand answers. But the other choice was to tell him the nature of the letter, and why he was so unhappy with it. And he was not prepared to have that discussion yet; especially right before leaving.

As he packed, he came to a solution, and grabbed a piece of paper to jot down a note. He felt guilty leaving without speaking to Cullen in person, but he thought it would be better in the end.

 _Cullen,_  
_Received an urgent letter this afternoon from my father that cannot wait. The Inquisitor and I are leaving for Redcliffe immediately. I will see you when I return._  
_\- Dorian_

That would have to do, he hoped, as he folded the note. He would give it to a messenger to deliver as they were leaving, in order to avoid any kind of…unwanted questions. 

He sighed as he grabbed his things. He hoped this trip would be as painless as possible, but with his family, that wasn’t likely. He met Lavellan at the gate a short time later, handing the note off to a recruit as he mounted his horse. He hoped Cullen wouldn’t be too upset with him. He had basically given the man all the knowledge he had at present, just without any embellishment as to what the meeting could be about. 

_And I was so looking forward to dinner_ , he sulked to himself.

Dorian glanced towards the Commander’s tower one last time as they left, hoping it wouldn’t be the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep these two apart an awful lot for someone who whines about keeping them apart =/ lol. But I felt like Dorian's personal quest is just too important to gloss over.
> 
> Also, apparently working on a couple different stories at the same time has jumpstarted my brain again, so I got more writing done than I expected (yay). So I'll hopefully have another chapter of this one up in a couple days. Provided I don't collapse once the weekend gets here.
> 
> Comments/critiques/etc. always welcome, and feel free to contact me on [tumblr](http://sugargia.tumblr.com/) if you'd rather.


	3. I Am Hated For Loving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Lavellan travel to Redcliffe and have an eventful meeting.  
> Cullen deals with Dorian's sudden departure and return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty angst angst. Followed by comfy, sweet Cullen. Cause Dorian deserves it.
> 
> I kinda combined two of the possible directions Dorian's meeting in Redcliffe could take, so there's a lot of mixed dialogue. Cause I'm indecisive and want everything.

The journey to Redcliffe was uneventful, which was a small blessing. Dorian remained silent for most of the trip, only chatting briefly with Lavellan in the camp before they turned in for the night. 

The village was much the same as he remembered it – minus the Venatori and army of rebel mages. Quiet and unassuming, not many recognized them at first. Lavellan had sent word ahead that they would be arriving shortly, and the duo decided to head directly to the inn to meet the retainer.

As they entered the inn, a strange feeling of unease crept into his bones. Something was off.

“Uh oh, nobody’s here,” he commented, attempting to hide his nervousness. “This doesn’t bode well.” 

He glanced around the room, Lavellan lingering near the door. No one in sight…in the middle of a large, bustling village.

“Dorian?” a low voice tentatively greeted.

He felt his blood run cold at the voice as he slowly turned towards the sound.

“Father.”

Dorian glared at the man standing in the shadows of the dimly lit stairwell. He knew he should be surprised that the man himself was present in a lowly Ferelden town, but he was not. He heard Lavellan gasp faintly behind him, but his focus was entirely on the man ahead.

“Then the whole story about the family retainer was just…what? A smokescreen?” he asked, surprised at how vulnerable his voice sounded. He steeled himself for the response as his father approached. 

“So you were told?” the man began before turning to Lavellan. “I apologize for the deception, Inquisitor. I never intended for you to be involved.”

Lavellan’s eyes narrowed at the words as she stepped forward, preparing to respond before Dorian held up a hand, requesting silence.

“Of course not,” he sneered. “Magister Pavus could not come to Skyhold and be seen with the dread Inquisitor. What would people think?”

Lavellan came closer, reaching out to touch his arm. 

“Dorian, we can –“

But he brushed her off once more. “What is this exactly, father? Ambush? Kidnapping? Warm family reunion?”

Halward only let out a long-suffering sigh at the outburst, clearly not ruffled by his son’s words. 

“This is how it has always been,” he commented in an almost weary tone, as if he were attempting to apologize on behalf of his son. 

This time it was Lavellan who cut Dorian off as she stepped forward and stood between the pair. 

_A gutsy move_ , Dorian thought, reminded of how commanding the woman could be as she put herself between the two powerful mages, pointing a finger in Halward’s face. 

“You went through all of this to get Dorian here – _talk to him_ ,” she ordered. 

Dorian felt emboldened by the support. He was already on his last nerve, and they hadn’t been here more than a few minutes.

“Yes, father. _Talk_ to me. Let me hear how mystified you are by my anger.” 

Halward’s calm façade was beginning to crack, Dorian was pleased to note. The man squinted slightly as he started to respond. 

“Dorian, there’s no need to –“

 _Fasta vass_ , Dorian thought, stepping slightly closer to the man. _I do not have time for this._

“The Inquisitor is already aware that I prefer the company of men,” he smirked before turning around to face Lavellan. “My father disapproves.”

Lavellan cocked her head to the side in confusion as her eyes flitted between the two men.

“This is not exactly news, Dorian.”

“And why should it be?” he hissed. “Why should anyone care? I have no idea.”

“This display is uncalled for,” Halward warned.

“No, it _is_ called for,” Dorian retorted as he stalked towards the man. “ _You_ called for it by luring me here.”

“This is not what I wanted,” the man replied, anger slowly slipping into his words. 

“I was _never_ what you wanted, father. Or had you forgotten?”

Lavellan gazed at the men, still attempting to put the pieces together.

“So…that’s a big problem in Tevinter, then? I don’t understand.”

Dorian scoffed. “Only if you’re trying to live up to an impossible standard,” he explained, doing nothing to hide his distaste. “Every Tevinter family is inter-marrying to distill the perfect mage – perfect body, perfect mind. The perfect leader.”

The Inquisitor’s confusion slowly turned to disbelief as Dorian spoke.

“It means every aberration is deviant and shameful. It must be _hidden_ ,” he concluded, giving his father a pointed look.

Halward said nothing in his own defense, and Dorian felt a wave of disappointment flow over him. He wasn’t sure what he had been hoping for; did he really expect his father to deny it? To apologize? Would it even have mattered?

“So…that’s what all this is about? Who you _sleep_ with?” Lavellan confirmed, still slightly in astonishment. 

Dorian sighed. He knew he shouldn’t have expected this to remain secret.

“That’s not all it’s about,” he said quietly. 

“Dorian, please, if you’ll only listen to me –“ his father hastily began, in an attempt to steer the conversation in another direction.

“Why? So you can spout more convenient lies?” Dorian snarled, stepping face to face now with his father, nearly touching. He remained in place as he spoke over his shoulder to Lavellan.

“ _He_ taught me to hate blood magic,” he gritted out. “’The result of the weak mind’, those were _his_ words. But what was the first thing you did when your precious heir refused to play pretend for the rest of his life? You tried to –“

He staggered backwards a few steps as he choked back a sob, faltering as the memory replayed through his mind. 

“You tried to _change me_ ,” he continued, the hurt tainting his every word.

“I only wanted what was best for _you_ ,” Halward pleaded.

“You wanted the best for _you_ ,” he retorted furiously. “Your fucking legacy. Anything for that…”

He stormed away, Lavellan close on his heels as he paused on the opposite side of the room, attempting to calm himself. She tentatively reached over again to give Dorian’s arm a reassuring squeeze, and this time he allowed it. He could see the sorrow etched on her face; sometimes she was too empathetic for her own good. 

“Would you like to leave?” she whispered. “Whatever you decide, I’ll stand with you.”

Dorian remained silent, still staring downward as he thought.

“But…” she started again, hesitantly, “I think maybe you should speak to him. Don’t leave it this way; you’ll regret it.”

Dorian nodded curtly as he pushed himself away from the table and stalked back towards his father. 

“Tell me why you came,” he demanded, glaring at the man.

“If I knew I would drive you to the Inquisition…” Halward began, voice full of regret.

“You _didn’t_ ,” Dorian interjected in exasperation. “I joined the Inquisition because it’s the right thing to do.” He paused as the sadness briefly washed over his face once more. He shook it off, steely mask returning. “Once…I had a father who would have known that.”

He watched his father’s reaction closely. Halward simply lowered his head, remorseful look on his face, yet said nothing. 

_So, that’s how it’s going to be then_ , Dorian thought regrettably. He spun on his heel, gesturing towards Lavellan as he headed to the door. 

“Once, I had a son who trusted me,” Halward called behind him. “A trust I betrayed.”

Dorian paused, almost at the door.

“I only wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice again,” his father continued. “To ask him to forgive me.”

Dorian’s resolve crumbled as he turned back to stare at the man, attempting to figure out whether or not this was another of his father’s ploys.

He glanced at Lavellan, silently asking for her opinion. She smiled and gestured her head towards the stairs in encouragement. Dorian looked back to his father, who was gazing at him with a slightly hopeful look in his eyes.

He sighed, apprehension settling in the pit of his stomach as he motioned for his father to lead the way. 

_Let’s get this over with so we can go home_ , he thought. The realization suddenly hit him that his first thought of "home" was now of Skyhold, rather than Tevinter. He wavered slightly, watching his father climb the stairs before eventually following behind.

* * *

Cullen was out practicing in the yard, attempting to rid himself of the pent-up frustration and worry he had been carrying ever since Dorian had gone. He had received the mage’s note and was not happy the man had not come to see him himself.

He had approached the other advisors, who were mum on the details, claiming to know only as much as he did. Leliana did assure him though that she sent out some of her best people to keep an eye on them as they traveled. That eased his mind a bit, but he would not feel comfortable until Dorian was back in Skyhold.

He didn’t understand what could have been so awful that he did not speak to Cullen directly. Dorian had hinted that he and his parents didn’t get along, but he never offered more information and Cullen never pressed. Once he returned, however, he was intent on getting answers.

This was also the first time they had been apart since their “real” relationship had begun, and he missed the man deeply. And after their last conversation (and the other events from the day) he had been eager to speak to Dorian, and perhaps try to discuss with him why he seemed so…stuck. Although he had a feeling discussion wasn't exactly what Dorian had intended for them that evening.

So now, here he was, late in the evening, taking out his anger on the falling-apart training dummy. Dorian and Lavellan were due to arrive any moment now (not in the middle of night, for once) and Cullen was going to be there to greet them, no matter what. 

He had worked himself into a sweat, grunts echoing through the yard along with the loud thump of his sword. Cassandra lingered nearby, observing the man as he practiced. She had taken it upon herself to visit him regularly once word of Dorian’s departure reached her ears, remembering how the Commander had shut himself away from the world the last time Dorian had been away for an extended period of time. She was pleased that he was much more amenable this time around, taking meals with her and the other advisors regularly, and generally sticking to his normal routine. She had noticed his tension becoming more visible in the last few days, however, and made more of an attempt to occupy his time.

“Commander, would you like to spar?” she called, walking towards him. 

He ignored her at first, fully focused on his movements. She wisely kept her distance, calling out his name again.

“Commander Cullen!” she shouted, causing the man to stop mid-swing and look at her in confusion.

“Yes? Have they arrived?” he asked, removing his shirt to wipe his brow. 

“Ah…” she stuttered, looking away as a slight blush rose into her cheeks. She cleared her throat before looking back at him calmly. 

“No, I asked if you would care to spar,” she repeated. 

Before he could answer, a recruit came running up to the pair. 

“Commander. Seeker Cassandra,” he began breathlessly nodding at them both before turning his eyes back to Cullen. “Commander, the Inquisitor is approaching the gate.”

Cullen turned to Cassandra in apology before pulling his shirt back on. He was a sweaty mess (and knew he probably did not smell as nice as was befitting a reunion) but he had no time to change now. Cassandra smiled slightly and gestured towards the gate with her head, inviting him to walk along with her.

They arrived right as Lavellan and Dorian rode in with their small contingent of soldiers. Both looked exhausted as they dismounted their horses. Cullen noticed Solas appear on the stairs behind them, standing serenely with his hands behind his back as he waited for Lavellan. She caught sight of him almost immediately, face brightening as she smiled. 

She did not join him, however. Instead, she turned back towards Dorian, hand on his arm as she spoke quietly. Dorian still looked as if he would fall over where he stood, and did not reply to whatever Lavellan said to him, simply shaking his head and giving her a small smile. Seemingly satisfied, she turned and headed towards the stairs, nodding at Cassandra as she passed, and giving Cullen an oddly strained smile. 

Cullen finally approached Dorian as the mage collected his bag and prepared to walk towards his room. He looked up, startled at the man's sudden appearance, and met his eyes as the Commander gave him a warm smile. Cullen wished to embrace him, but he was still unsure if that was too “public” for Dorian’s tastes. 

He was slightly taken aback by the troubled look in the mage’s eyes as Dorian failed to return his smile. 

“Dorian…?” he began, stepping closer. 

“Not here,” Dorian said softly, looking away.

Cullen followed as Dorian began to walk away, glancing briefly at Cassandra as she gazed at the pair with a small frown. He had no idea what had happened on their trip, but Dorian had never behaved so morosely and Cullen’s concern was growing.

They reached Dorian’s quarters and Cullen quietly shut the door behind them, waiting patiently for the mage to speak. Dorian had dropped his satchel on the floor and sat on the bed, head in hands as he stared at the floor. Cullen sat next to him, gently prying a hand away to hold in his own, and he noticed for the first time that there were tears threatening to fall from Dorian’s eyes.

“Dorian, please talk to me,” Cullen whispered, fear gripping his chest at the mage’s silence. 

He could see Dorian attempting to regulate his breathing before he answered, still not looking at him. Cullen had enough. He gently turned Dorian’s face towards his, tilting his chin up so he could look at the mage. Dorian briefly met his eyes for only the second time that day, a silent plea for a question he hadn’t been able to ask. Cullen leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before urging the man forward into his arms. Dorian tensed at first, before slowly melting into his embrace.

Cullen did not press the man to speak again as he calmly rubbed circles across Dorian’s back. He could feel the slight wetness on his shoulder as Dorian clutched to him, still not having uttered a sound. Cullen honestly had no idea what to do, so he acted on instinct and hoped whatever he was doing was soothing the mage.

“I’m so tired,” Dorian finally whispered in a ragged voice. 

Cullen pulled back slightly, running a thumb along the smudged kohl under Dorian’s eyes. Dorian let out a shaky laugh.

“I must look a fright,” he wearily quipped, pulling away completely as he rubbed his eyes clean. “Such a pleasant reunion, me a blubbering mess instead of ravaging you on your desk. You haven’t been scared away yet?”

Cullen couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped him, amazed at Dorian’s ability to joke when he was clearly very distressed. 

“Never,” he murmured as he leaned forward, kissing Dorian softly. “Would you like me to leave? You should rest.” It wasn’t quite late enough to turn in for the night, but the mage looked like he might pass out at any moment.

Dorian opened his mouth to respond before looking away nervously. He appeared to be debating something as he paused.

“We…need to talk,” he finally exhaled, running a hand across his face again. “But not now. Would you…” he glanced hopefully at the Commander, “would you stay here tonight?” Cullen hesitated, thinking.

“Nothing naughty, I promise,” Dorian continued quickly with a wry smile before Cullen could answer. “Just…lie with me? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

Cullen gave him a shy grin as he nodded. “Of course.” 

Dorian sighed with relief, granting him the first real smile of the evening. 

“Now, I must wash up. Perhaps you should…do the same?” he suggested, turning his nose up at Cullen’s soiled shirt. 

Cullen stood, laughing. “Alright, I get the hint. I’ll stop by the kitchen on my way back as well, if you’d like?”

Dorian nodded, suddenly realizing how hungry he was. 

“If you don’t mind. I do hate going to bed on an empty stomach.” 

Cullen smiled as he opened the door, looking back once more before leaving. Dorian made a shooing motion when he noticed his pause.

“Go on, Commander. I’ll allow you to bathe me another night.” 

Cullen blushed as he laughed, shaking his head as he left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember Cass in the Game of the Year clip? ([ here ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMVSWoUyZrs) if you haven't seen it) Yeah, her reaction is canon to me now, lol.
> 
> Thank you all for the kind words/kudos! I love hearing from you :)


	4. Accept Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Cullen finally have a moment alone to talk. Whatever Cullen was expecting, it wasn't this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit of a roller coaster.
> 
> Combined a couple of game scenes into one, if the dialogue sounds familiar.

Dorian awoke the next morning after the most restful sleep he had enjoyed in weeks. He imagined that was due in no small part to the warm, still-sleeping man gently curled around his body. He didn’t want to move; didn’t want to leave the snug, peaceful confines of the bed and face reality once again.

He burrowed closer to Cullen underneath the blanket, pleased when the man tenderly wrapped an arm around him and continued to doze, providing Dorian with some extra time to think. He had told Cullen that they needed to speak, and he was afraid if he put off the conversation he would lose his nerve. The incident with his father was going to weigh on him for some time, and it was unfair to keep it a secret from the person he was closest to.

The private conversation he had had with his father in Redcliffe did not do much to shed light on his father’s motives, other than what Dorian had already suspected. He was offered little in the way of an apology, most of it centered upon his mother being “worried” for his safety, and the idea of throwing away a lifetime of prestigious training on the Inquisition. He tried in vain to explain his position to his father, but the man merely turned his nose up in disgust as he waved the protestations away. They parted brusquely, each making a half-hearted promise to keep in touch.

Dorian left the inn feeling no better than he had upon arrival; if anything, he felt worse. His father had forced him to confront the fears that had been lingering beneath the surface ever since he left Tevinter. If he was worried about his burgeoning relationship with the Commander before, those doubts were now multiplied as he questioned his affections for the man and whether they were returned. Would Cullen discard him at the first hints of disapproval? Shun him in public if they were seen together? It had happened before…would this really be any different?

_Yes, it will be different._ He's _different_ , Dorian reassured himself.

The anxiety began to gnaw at his stomach and he tensed, spontaneously grabbing hold of Cullen’s arm and pulling it more securely around himself. He could feel the man stir behind him at the sudden movement, and stilled.

“…Dorian?” Cullen mumbled into the pillow. He decided to remain silent, faintly stroking the man’s arm in response.

“Are you awake?” Cullen asked softly, pressing a small kiss to the back of his neck. Dorian shivered at the unexpected contact and hummed in contentment.

“I’m awake, Commander,” he replied, turning his head over his shoulder to look at the man. Cullen propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at him as he smiled. Dorian grinned in return at Cullen’s mussed hair and sleepy eyes as a surge of affection poured into his chest.

“Did you sleep well? I didn’t hog the bed, did I?” Cullen joked.

Dorian laughed as he rolled onto his back to better see his face “I slept quite well, thank you. And if you had hogged the bed, I would have kicked you until you moved over.”

Cullen’s smile grew wider at the words as he leaned down and planted a small, lingering kiss on Dorian’s lips.

“Then good morning,” he whispered.

Dorian smiled in return. “Good morning to you, too.”

Cullen’s stomach rumbled at the exact same moment, killing the tender exchange. Dorian burst into laughter as the Commander groaned and collapsed back down onto his side.

“So much for a leisurely morning in bed,” he moaned.

“We can still have a leisurely morning,” Dorian teased, “just not in bed.” Cullen groaned louder into the pillow as Dorian looked over at him in surprise, grinning.

“Besides, I didn’t think the word ‘leisurely’ was in your vocabulary, Commander. And who knew you were so petulant first thing in the morning?”

Cullen elbowed him in the side. “Shut up,” he groaned again. “Don’t remind me. I’m sure my work has doubled overnight.”

“I’m honored you would make such a sacrifice after my juvenile behavior last evening,” Dorian said lightly. He knew how much work the Commander must have waiting for him.

“Dorian, it’s fine. Really.” Cullen sat up as he ran his fingers through his hair, sighing as his stomach grumbled once more.

“Perhaps we should get some breakfast,” Dorian smirked.

“Yes, perhaps,” Cullen agreed, smiling sheepishly. “Would you like to join me in my office? We can eat while I sort through my reports.” He grinned wider. “I know, very exciting for your first morning back.”

Dorian chuckled as he sat up as well. “That would be fine. Just allow me some time to make myself presentable.” He didn't really care what they did, he just wanted to remain in the man’s presence.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, stretching as the chilly air drifted over his body. Almost immediately, strong arms encircled him from behind.

“I like the way you look first thing in the morning,” Cullen murmured as he rested his chin on Dorian's shoulder. “Maybe I should see it more often.”

Dorian smiled faintly at the words as he placed a hand over one of the arms holding him.

“I do still need to speak with you,” he said softly. “But perhaps after breakfast.”

Cullen planted a small kiss on his shoulder as he pulled away. “Whenever you would like,” he replied. “But yes, perhaps after we eat and I see what the day holds. I’d like to give you my full attention.”

Dorian nodded as the Commander moved to the end of the bed and climbed out, reaching for the boots and cloak he had discarded the night before.

Cullen moved towards the door without attempting to fix his appearance, essentially announcing that he did not care who knew they had spent the night together. Not that anything except sleeping actually happened…but still, Dorian was pleased.

“Give me some time to uh…look normal,” Cullen smirked, gesturing to his head. “And I will have a recruit bring us up our food.”

Dorian laughed. “Don’t worry, Commander. I take _significantly_ more time to ‘look normal’. I will join you soon.”

Cullen smiled once more as he nodded and exited the room. Dorian sighed as he watched the door close, savoring the feelings of happiness and contentment the man left behind. This might be the most relaxed he would feel in a long time.

\--------------------

Cullen was pleased to see he did not have as much work awaiting him as he had expected. He quickly changed into his normal attire and washed up before returning to his desk and sifting through the reports. He was rapidly becoming lost in the papers before remembering Dorian would be joining him shortly for breakfast.

He called in a recruit to request their meal as he made room for the two men to eat. He smiled faintly as he thought about the night before, although that happiness was tinged with worry. Dorian had still not explained what had happened on his trip to warrant such a reaction, but he expected that was what he wished to speak about today.

He took great delight in spending the night with the mage, simply holding him in his arms as the two slept. No expectations or worries, just safety and warmth with the man he cared for so deeply. A part of him was terrified at what news Dorian might reveal.

As he was lost in his thoughts, Dorian arrived - with quite less fanfare than usual - soon followed by the recruit with their food. Cullen put aside his paperwork as the two sat down on either side of his desk and ate.

“Well, was there a mountain of reports awaiting you this morning?” Dorian began with forced casualness.

“Thankfully, no,” Cullen admitted. “Not so much that I cannot take a couple of hours to speak with you.”

He looked up at Dorian as he spoke, noticing the way the mage tensed at the words.

“Unless you would rather wait,” he said softly. “I won’t force you into anything you aren’t ready for.”

Dorian idly moved the food around on his plate as he remained silent, thinking. He glanced up at Cullen, meeting the man’s concerned eyes and shook his head slightly.

“No, I think it’s best to get this out of the way now, before it becomes too late,” he said firmly.

“Too…late?” Cullen repeated, confused. “Too late for what? What happened Dorian?” He felt the dread begin to rise in his throat once more at the words.

“I’d rather not speak here, where anyone could walk in on us,” the mage replied, glancing up towards the loft.

He took the hint and nodded. “I’ll take care of it. We can speak up there.”

Dorian nodded his approval as they both turned their attentions back to their food, silently eating and lost in their own thoughts. Dorian finished eating first and Cullen quietly went to the door to speak to the recruit stationed outside.

When he returned, Dorian had cleaned up their plates and his desk and was moving his chair back to its normal spot.

“I asked for the appropriate people to be notified that I will be unavailable for the next few hours,” he relayed, “and that we are to be undisturbed unless there is an extreme emergency.”

Dorian gave Cullen a wry grin. “Why, Commander, that’s certainly going to set tongues wagging.”

Cullen flushed in response as his hand instinctively reached for the back of his neck.

“Yes, well…I hadn’t quite thought out the wording,” he grinned, before his expression quickly turned to worry. “Is that alright? I mean, is it a problem?”

Dorian merely chuckled as he started walking towards the ladder.

“Quite the opposite,” he smiled.

Cullen followed the mage as they both ascended the ladder into his bedchamber. It was chilly from not being inhabited the night before, so he set to work making it more comfortable as Dorian paced the room.

Once finished, he sat on the edge of his bed, gesturing for the mage to join him. Dorian shook his head and continued pacing, seemingly lost in thought. Cullen was becoming more nervous as each second passed, unsure if he should break the silence. Thankfully, Dorian spoke first.

“As you know, I went to Redcliffe to meet with a representative of my father’s,” he began, slowing down his pace but not stopping. “When we arrived, I discovered it was actually my father himself waiting for me.”

Cullen looked at Dorian in surprise. He knew very little of the mage’s family, other than that his father was a powerful magister and their family was highly respected. Dorian never spoke of them – good or ill – so he was not sure whether this was a bad thing.

“My father and I do not see eye to eye on many things,” Dorian resumed, moving to lean against the wall and gaze pensively out of the window. “He says we’re alike...too much pride. Once I would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. Now I’m not certain.”

Dorian lapsed into silence again, a pained expression on his face. Cullen was confused; the meeting was obviously bad…right? What in the Maker’s name was he getting at?

“You know that there are different opinions on our…relationship, in Tevinter, yes?” Dorian asked, interrupting his thoughts as he glanced over. “It is one area where you brutes appear to be more progressive.” He gave the Commander a small smile as Cullen shook his head.

“Dorian, I am completely lost,” he said in exasperation. “Our relationship? _All_ of Tevinter knows about our relationship?” He raised his eyebrows in question. "I am unsure what one has to do with anything else." Dorian rolled his eyes at the outburst. 

“Don’t be daft, Commander,” he replied, turning back to the window. “I’m referring to the relationship between two men. Where I come from, anything like that, it’s about pleasure. It’s accepted, tolerated, but taken no further.”

_Oh_ , Cullen thought, nodding as the realization sunk in. The worry returned to the pit of his stomach. Was this Dorian’s way of telling him they should not be together? That this could be sexual, but nothing more?

“So then…your father knows about our relationship?” he asked, cautiously.

Dorian huffed. “If he does, he did not let on. No, this meeting wasn’t about us, Commander. It was about _me_.”

He turned and wandered the room, head down and once again lost in thought. He walked over to the wash stand in the corner and began fiddling with the objects on top.

“The real reason I left Tevinter…the _main_ reason I left Tevinter, at least originally, was because of my father.”

He took several deep breaths and Cullen could see the anguish and tension from the night before return.

“Dorian,” he called gently, “please, come over here.”

The mage remained silent as he examined Cullen’s comb, turning it over and over in his hands before abruptly putting it down and facing him.

“He tried to change me.”

“Change you…how?” Cullen asked, warily.

“It was an act of desperation,” Dorian continued, ignoring his question. The words came pouring out of his mouth quickly now, outrage slowly taking place of his anguish. “I wouldn’t put on a show, marry the girl, keep everything _unsavory_ private and locked away. Selfish, I suppose, not to want to spend my entire life screaming on the inside. He barked out a laugh. “My father never understood. Living a lie…it festers inside of you, like poison.”

Cullen nodded. He could understand that; his family had expected the same of him until he left for the Order. Definitely not to the same extent or same level of disapproval, but it was an idea he was familiar with. Not that he had ever acted on any of his “unsavory” desires while at home. 

“Dorian,” Cullen spoke up, “ _how_ did he try to change you? By forcing you to marry?” Cullen's worry was increasing as he watched the mage's emotions crumble.

Dorian laughed, almost hysterically, at the questions. “No, my dear Commander. He was going to do a blood ritual. Alter my mind, make me… _acceptable_. I found out, and I left.”

Cullen felt his blood run cold.

_No, not again_ , he thought in horror. _I can’t go through this again._

He felt himself start to shake, unresponsive as Dorian looked at him, waiting for a response. Silence filled the room for several seconds as neither moved, both letting the words sink in.

“Could,” he began gruffly as he swallowed, “could blood magic actually do that?”

Dorian studied the man before responding, expression unreadable.

“Maybe,” he replied slowly. “It could also have left me a drooling vegetable. Are you alright, Commander?”

Cullen nodded stiffly without looking at the mage.

“Yes,” he whispered. “Please, continue.”

Dorian pondered him for another moment before speaking.

“Part of me has always hoped he didn’t really want to go through with it. It crushed me to think he found that absurd risk preferable to scandal.” He paused again, shaking his head in disappointment. “I don’t know if I can forgive him.”

Cullen did nothing. Dorian approached him carefully, joining him on the bed. He touched the man's arm when he received no acknowledgement of his presence, causing Cullen to jump.

“Commander?”

Cullen finally turned towards him, looking but not really seeing; lost in a memory from so many years ago.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Dorian was puzzled by the Commander's sudden odd behavior, refusing to speculate what that might mean.

“Maker knows what you must think of me now, after that whole display,” he continued lightly.

Cullen refocused his gaze, finally looking at the man sitting in front of him.

“What?” he asked, brow furrowing.

Dorian grasped one of his hands, pulling it to his lap.

“I’m just saying,” he sighed. “I’m just saying, you have to fight for what’s in your heart. You can’t let one person’s actions or opinions dictate your entire life. I can’t imagine the person I’d be right now if he went through with it.”

Cullen nodded again, numbly. Dorian gazed at his face, attempting to find the cause of the man’s distress. He let go of his hand, which Cullen promptly took back.

_Is this it?_ Dorian thought. _Have I finally scared him off for good?_

He took a deep breath, looking down, now his turn to feel the unmistakable sense of dread in his stomach. He steeled himself for Cullen’s response – if he got one at all.

But after everything he had just divulged, he knew he could not give up so easily.

He reached out, gently grasping Cullen’s chin and turning the man’s head towards him. Cullen flinched at the contact, but allowed it.

“Where I am from, you learn not to hope for more,” he said softly. “You’d be foolish to. Am I being foolish, Commander?”

He stared into the man's eyes, watching as various emotions warred through him. Cullen said nothing in reply, turning his head away as he stood up.

Dorian slumped forward, feeling utterly broken as the Commander walked to the opposite side of the room. He pushed away his feelings, face adopting the hollow expression he was so used to wearing at home. He would not give the other man the satisfaction of watching his heart break.

_Father was right_ , he thought bitterly, beginning to stand.

Cullen looked up at the same moment.

“Stop,” he said firmly, staring at the mage.

Dorian slowly sat back down on the bed, unsettled by his tone of voice. He stared back at the man in defiance.

Cullen's face relaxed as he looked away once more.

“You are…” he began, “are you aware of my past before Kirkwall?”

Dorian thought back, but could not recall much.

“I believe you mentioned you served in the Ferelden Circle? Otherwise, I'm afraid not.”

Cullen ran his fingers through his hair before resting his hand at the familiar spot on his neck.

“I went right to the Ferelden Circle upon joining the Templars. I spent my most formative years there; it became my home, and my family.”

He walked back towards Dorian with determination before stopping in front of the mage.

“You have to understand…” he stressed.

Dorian merely looked at the man, saying nothing.

Cullen shouted in frustration as he moved away again, hands balling into fists, looking for something to pummel.

“I am _not_ trying to make this about me,” he asserted, shaking his head. “But you must _understand_ , Dorian.”

“Understand _what_?” Dorian finally exclaimed. “If you are trying to end this you are doing a very poor job of it.” He stood, glaring. “I’ve revealed to you the most intimate and horrific piece of my past; at least let me leave with dignity.”

“No!” Cullen cried out, arm beckoning for the mage to stop. “Please, just….”

Dorian faltered at the pleading look on the Commander’s face. He turned back, arms crossed over his chest in impatience, waiting for him to continue.

Cullen let out a shaky breath before proceeding.

“It was…taken over. The Circle. By abominations,” he choked out. “The Templars – my friends, _my brothers_ – were slaughtered, in front of me.”

Dorian’s arms fell at the declaration, looking at him in despair as he continued.

“I…I was tortured, Dorian. By some of the mages.” He met the other man's eyes, imploring him to understand. “They tried to break my mind, and I – how can you be the same person after that?”

He spun around quickly, anger overwhelming him once more.

“I understand, Dorian,” he said thickly.

The mage took a few tentative steps forward to move in front of the Commander, whose head was bowed as he ran a hand over his face.

“Cullen…?” his voice cracking as the other man finally raised his head.

Cullen’s expression softened as he reached out and cupped Dorian’s face, the mage immediately leaning into the touch.

“I do not want that to happen to you,” he whispered vehemently. “I _will not_ let that happen to you.”

A sob burst from Dorian's chest as Cullen pulled him close. He clung to the Commander as the man buried his face in his hair.

“I’m sorry, so sorry. I just don’t know how to do this.”

Dorian pulled back, looking up at the man in defeat.

“I understand,” he murmured weakly.

“No, no,” Cullen protested. “I don’t mean…Maker’s breath, why can I never express myself?”

He sighed as he looked at Dorian’s hopeful face.

“The way that I saw mages then...I'm not sure I would have cared about you. And the thought of that sickens me,” he confessed. “I don’t…I don’t know how to treat you the way you deserve. And you deserve everything.”

Dorian exhaled as he went limp in relief.

“Oh, amatus,” he smiled gently, “you were doing just fine.”

Cullen offered him a shy grin.

“I disagree,” he blushed, “and I believe we were going to discuss that before you left.”

“I have to admit that for once, sex is not on the forefront of my mind,” Dorian laughed. “So perhaps that's a conversation for another day.”

He admired the man in front of him, who was gazing back with a tender expression. The same man who was slowly rubbing a thumb across Dorian's cheek with a faraway look in his eyes.

“It seems we have more in common than we realized,” Dorian said sadly. 

The Commander nodded without responding.

“Are we…are we okay, Cullen?” Dorian asked tentatively.

Cullen sighed, embracing the man once more. “Yes. But I do believe that there is much more we need to discuss.” Dorian hummed his assent as he pulled back to regard him once again.

“Commander,” he gingerly began, “you do not know the levels of sorrow and remorse I feel for what you went through because of my kind. I had no idea.”

He looked up at Cullen, who had his eyes closed, as if he was willing the memories back into hiding.

“Thank you,” he sighed. “When you began to speak of your father’s plans…the thought that something like that could happen to you…” He shook his head. “It was too much to comprehend at once. I was _terrified,_ Dorian.”

He grasped the mage’s face once more, tenderly holding it as he looked into his eyes.

“I want more than just sex, Dorian, I believe I've made that clear. I…care for you, deeply,” he blushed at the words. “I know you are perfectly capable of handling yourself, I have seen you work, but I would protect you from any kind of harm,” he smiled as he flushed deeper.

“I will not say it yet. But I believe you understand what I mean.”

Dorian’s heart swelled with hope, for perhaps the first real time in his life.

“And I will be more than happy to confront that father of yours,” Cullen added with a glare.

“That would be silly, Commander,” he warned. “My father is powerful. Not that I do not think you capable, but perhaps without your templar abilities...” He trailed off, appearing distressed by his own words.

Cullen glanced at him sideways. “And where are my abilities then? I'm sure I had them this morning…” He pretended to search around the room, causing Dorian to chuckle in relief.

“I knew you weren't taking lyrium anymore, Commander,” he explained tenderly. “Templars reek of the stuff; you can smell them yards away.”

Cullen's nose scrunched up at the knowledge.

“But you, ser," he continued in a low voice, "you merely smell like sweat and leather and armor polish. When you aren't wearing that delightful scent on your face,” he smiled. “All perfectly acceptable, perfectly _Cullen_ smells.”

The Commander laughed as Dorian leaned forward.

“Hmmm yes, very manly,” he inhaled, leaning forward so his nose was pressed into the crook of Cullen's neck. “Very, _very_ manly, indeed.” He nipped Cullen lightly before kissing his way along his jaw, ending at his lips. “I believe sex is back in the forefront, Commander,” he grinned.

Cullen let out a hearty laugh, one he felt had been building for weeks.

“How about we make a deal?”

“ _Not_  one of our chess deals,” Dorian pouted, causing Cullen to laugh more.

“No, no,” he chuckled, “how about you let me get my work done, then we can have dinner and _talk_ about sex afterwards.”

“I am a very hands-on learner though, Commander,” Dorian purred. “You may need to demonstrate some of your... _harder_ points.”

Cullen groaned. “Let’s just see how this goes.” He paused again, seriousness returning to his face.

“I have much to work on, Dorian. Trusting mages, I mean. It is a difficult process to erase so many years of thinking. But I…,” he ran a thumb over the mage's lips, “I care about you too much, and I'm willing to try my hardest. For you.”

Dorian let out another shaky breath as he nodded. Cullen leaned down to plant several gentle kisses along his face before embracing him again.

“I don't want to let you go,” he whispered into Dorian's hair as he held him tighter.

“Shall I sit on your lap while you work? I have had quite a number of fantasies about that,” Dorian’s muffled voice replied mischievously. Cullen pulled back, red in the face as Dorian grinned.

“Or maybe I could sit in my chair, while you watch?” He lifted his eyebrows. “You could…take notes?”

“Wha…. Dorian!” He shook his head vehemently. “Okay I take it back, I take it back,” he laughed. “But, um…” he blushed more, “maybe tonight you can tell me about them?”

“Oh, amatus, I will tell you _everything_.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty much confirmed (I believe) that templars can still use their templar powers without lyrium, and that the lyrium just enhances it. I'm going to assume Cullen knows that, but that it's not common knowledge in the rest of society. 
> 
> But now that the elephant in the room has been dealt with, I think we can expect some *cough* happier times ahead for these two, at least for a little while. There is so much smut sitting in my folder right now. 
> 
> As always, feel free to let me know what you think! I've also started taking prompts on my [tumblr](http://draco-illius-noctis.tumblr.com), so if you have anything just drop me a line there. It helps to de-clutter my brain, lol. Or if you just want to chat in general. I like talking about these guys more in depth (and you guys are hilarious, the ones I've talked to), so keep it coming! :)


	5. Kiss Me Like You Mean It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Cullen are making some progress on the physical side of their relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AKA the real smut begins
> 
> Dorian's been through a lot...I think it's time he gets spoiled a little. This is basically porn with a little bit of plot...but it's important porn! That's a thing, right? Their nakedness is vital to this story. Plus we need lots of nice, fluffy smut before the storm *cough*.
> 
> Not beta'd, as usual.

Dorian returned later that evening bearing food and wine, insisting that Cullen stop working for the day. The Commander readily agreed, once again informing the recruit outside that they were not to be disturbed. The recruit saluted, a small smile on his face as he nodded. 

“I’m not keeping you from anything, am I, Commander?” Dorian asked, glancing at the much larger stack of papers on his desk.

Cullen shook his head. “Nothing that can’t wait until morning. Let’s go upstairs.”

Work apparently wasn’t all Cullen had been doing that day. A small table and two chairs had been placed in a corner of the room, replacing one of the ever-present piles of debris. 

Dorian smiled at the sight, placing the items on top as Cullen removed his cloak. 

“Did either of our lovely advisors question your whereabouts this afternoon?”

“Oh, ah…” Cullen chuckled shyly, looking away. “They may have. Leliana stopped by to see me shortly after you left. I believe she said I had ‘more color to my cheeks’, and departed moments later.”

Dorian grinned. “Will they not be curious that you’re taking the evening off, as well?”

“I...may have mentioned that to her before she left. All she did was smile, so…”

“So she thinks I’m going to pin you to the bed and not allow you to leave until morning,” Dorian finished with a suggestive look.

Cullen flushed as he began to arrange the food in front of them. 

“I..I don’t believe it was that extreme. I just told her we were working things out.”

Dorian hummed in response as he poured them each a glass. He would not be surprised if he received a visit from the spymaster the next time he was in the library. 

They began eating, silence descending upon the table rather quickly. Cullen looked uneasy as he picked at his food, shooting quick glances at Dorian in between bites. 

“So…where should we start?” he began, clearing his throat.

“Let’s finish eating first,” Dorian suggested, gently. He wanted Cullen to be at ease when they finally spoke. “We have the rest of the night to ‘talk.' Now tell me, when can we fix up the rest of this room?”

* * *

The duo chatted leisurely as they finished eating, lingering over a couple more glasses of wine as the moon rose brightly in the night sky. Dorian could tell Cullen’s nerves were beginning to get the best of him as he fiddled with his glass, responding distractedly to anything he said.

Finally, Dorian paused, studying the man across from him before speaking. 

“You know, Amatus, we don’t need to delve into this tonight. I believe our earlier conversation was enough excitement for a few days.”

Cullen looked up sharply at the words. “No! I mean, I want to. I just…” he sighed, shrugging helplessly. “I have no idea how to begin.” 

Dorian watched as Cullen stood and began pacing the room, much like he had earlier, brow furrowed in frustration.

“Actually…” he stopped, glancing nervously out of the corners of his eyes. “Would you…I enjoyed spending the night with you. Would you be willing to stay here tonight?” 

He blushed as the words rushed out, Dorian smiling as he stood as well. 

“I would love to,” he responded. “It’s quite late as it is, and I believe we are both exhausted. Perhaps we should retire now?”

Cullen raised his eyebrows in surprise. 

“Oh, alright. I wasn’t…alright.” 

Dorian began unfastening the buckles on his clothing, trying to hide a smile as he noticed Cullen watching, in rapt attention.

“I certainly hope you don’t expect me to climb into bed with that get-up,” he smirked, nodding at Cullen’s armor. That snapped the other man out of his daze, as he began to unfasten his own straps. “I also wouldn’t mind perhaps a spare shirt to sleep in? Considering I did not come prepared.”

Cullen stopped what he was doing, walking wordlessly to the trunk in the corner of the room, removing a clean tunic and tossing it to Dorian. The mage stripped to his smallclothes before drawing the shirt over his head, grimacing as it fell almost to his knees.

“Do I look as ridiculous as I feel?” he pouted. Cullen grinned as he walked over, nearly undressed himself, as he took the other man in his arms.

“I like it,” he replied, kissing the top of Dorian’s head. “I wasn’t aware you were so much _smaller_ than me, though.” 

Dorian scoffed, trying to push himself out of Cullen’s embrace as the Commander laughed, tugging him in closer. 

“I’m only teasing, love,” he smiled. The mage blinked in surprise at the endearment, flushing slightly as Cullen grinned wider, realizing what he said.

“Well, I am,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss Dorian slowly on the lips. 

Dorian eagerly accepted it, entwining his arms around Cullen’s neck as the Commander led the two of them to the bed. He broke the kiss briefly, allowing the other man to remove his remaining clothing until he was clad in just his trousers. 

Cullen tossed back the blanket as they both crawled into bed, promptly retrieving it once they were comfortable. They laid on their sides, facing each other, as Dorian traced his fingers over the outline of Cullen’s face.

“We can just sleep, Amatus,” he whispered, fingers brushing across Cullen’s chin. “I will not press you for anything you aren’t ready for.”

His words were cut off as Cullen surged forward, pulling the mage’s head in close as he began kissing again in earnest. Dorian groaned into his mouth, moving closer until their arms and legs were entangled in the blanket above them. 

He was intoxicated by the man’s mouth, tongue venturing past his lips as Cullen moaned into the kiss. He tentatively began to run his hands over Dorian’s body, the mage encouraging the exploration as he raked his nails down the Commander’s back. He would probably end up with marks in the morning, but he doubted the man would mind.

Dorian noticed as Cullen began to toy with the edge of his borrowed tunic, hesitating to move his hand underneath. The shirt was already bunched up on his hips, so he was unsure what was causing the indecision. He pulled back, Cullen’s head falling forward as he searched for the lost contact, before looking at him in confusion.

“Allow me,” Dorian smirked, sitting up and pulling the garment over his head. He heard Cullen inhale sharply at the sight before his hands were on Dorian’s now-exposed torso, tugging him closer. 

“So perfect,” he murmured, brushing a hand down his chest. Dorian grinned, preparing to make a sarcastic remark, when Cullen’s fingers grazed a nipple, causing the mage to gasp. The Commander’s eyes shot up to meet his; eyebrows raised in curiosity as he repeated the motion. 

“That…feels good?” he asked, fingers hovering before giving it a small squeeze. Dorian’s eyes closed as he bit back a groan, nodding wordlessly. Cullen could see his breathing increase as he pinched again, a little harder, before running his hand along the mage’s side.

Dorian had yet to open his eyes, consumed with the sensations Cullen was lavishing on his body, when he suddenly felt warm breath on his chest. He looked down quickly, just in time to see Cullen tentatively lean forward and take the nipple into his mouth, sucking lightly as he raised his eyes to watch Dorian’s reaction. He rolled onto his back, hand cupping the back of Cullen’s head as the man moved along with him. 

“ _Amatus_ …” he breathed. 

Cullen didn’t reply as he moved to the other nipple, gently taking it into his mouth, repeating the gesture. Dorian moaned loudly as he arched his back into the touch, holding Cullen firmly in place as the man alternated between the pair. He could feel his erection straining at his smallclothes as his hips rolled instinctively under the constant stimulation.

“Maker, Cullen, please,” he panted, grabbing the Commander’s hand and sliding it down to his aching cock. Cullen propped himself up, watching as Dorian guided his hand, hesitating briefly when it met its destination. 

Dorian looked over, eyes locking with Cullen's as he stroked him once through his clothes. He bit his bottom lip, grunting as his hips bucked slightly into the Commander’s hand, urging him to repeat the motion.

Cullen’s eyes remained focused on his face as he stroked again, coaxing a low moan from Dorian’s throat as his pace increased. Dorian grasped Cullen’s hand once more, nudging it towards the waistband of his smallclothes. Cullen took the hint, sitting upright as he tugged at both sides, pulling the clothes down and off, now fully exposing his body. Dorian shivered, more in anticipation than coldness, as Cullen’s eyes raked down his body in appreciation.

“Maker, you are gorgeous,” Cullen breathed, running a hand up Dorian’s leg and back to his waiting member. 

“Yes, yes I am aware, Amatus, _please_ ,” he pleaded, raising his hips once again in reminder. 

“Such impatience,” Cullen chuckled as he took him in hand, more firmly this time.

“Wait until it’s your turn,” Dorian groaned, thrusting in pace with Cullen’s strokes. 

Cullen made no reply as he focused on his movements, absorbed with the emotions playing out across Dorian’s features. He could feel his erection throbbing in his trousers as each wave of ecstasy moved through the man in front of him. 

Dorian was clutching at the blanket on either side of his hips as he moaned louder. Cullen tried to recall what brought him the most pleasure when he touched himself, wondering if it would work on the other man as well. He twisted his wrist slightly on the next stroke, causing Dorian to cry out as he arched his hips once more. His movements became more erratic as Cullen repeated the act, his breathing heavy as Dorian neared his release.

“Maker, look at you,” he murmured, unsure if Dorian even heard him over his moans. “Come for me, love,” he said louder as the mage met his eyes briefly before squeezing them shut, bucking one more time before spilling over Cullen’s hand with a shout. 

Cullen stroked him gently until Dorian pushed his hand away with a smile. Cullen chuckled as he stood to wash off his hand and fetch something for Dorian. His erection was immediately apparent as he turned back to the bed, causing Dorian to raise an eyebrow at his approach.

He sat up once Cullen was within reach, grabbing the top of his pants and pulling him close.

“There’s really no point in cleaning up if we’re just going to get dirty again, don’t you agree?”

* * *

The pair began to spend more nights together – more often than not in Cullen’s quarters. The Commander was hard to pry away from his work, even with the enticement of what lay in wait for him once he finally went to bed. 

They had not moved any further than manually pleasing each other, but Cullen had taken to enjoying it rather…enthusiastically. Sometimes several times in one night. 

Not that Dorian was complaining. 

Cullen also seemed to take great pleasure in showering attention on Dorian’s body, sometimes taking as much as an hour just kissing and caressing everywhere except the one spot Dorian wanted touched the most. He would be writhing frantically before Cullen finally conceded, quickly bringing him to some of the most intense orgasms he had ever experienced. Dorian was always quick to return the favor, although the man almost seemed content just to bring his lover pleasure.

It was almost incomprehensible to Dorian, to focus that much on someone else. He was used to men trying to take, take, take until they got what they wanted and left. Cullen was the opposite, always giving until he was satisfied, and then allowing himself to indulge.

Dorian loved the evenings they were together when he would catch Cullen’s gaze lingering on him from the corner of his eye, often as they sat together silently in his office. He would turn his head and smile, Cullen’s face lighting up at the acknowledgment. He was always so formal, such the gentleman, as he asked Dorian if he wished to spend the night. Many times Dorian would pretend to consider it as he made his way over to the man, eyes playful as he sat on the corner of his desk or his chair and asked Cullen why he should agree. Cullen would gather him in his arms, pressing small kisses to his face and neck as he whispered into his ear, causing Dorian to either laugh gleefully or shiver with want until he could take it no longer, dragging the man to bed. 

* * *

Dorian awoke to sunlight streaming into the room, illuminating the dozens of tiny particles hovering in the air. He was momentarily confused before he felt a shift in the bed next to him, memories of the night before returning. It had been a pleasantly exhausting evening; the duo awake long into the night as they slowly explored each other’s bodies. And now Dorian was slightly sore from sleeping in an odd position, and the light shining into his eyes didn’t help.

 _I wonder if I can get him to repair that ridiculous ceiling next_ , he thought sleepily, covering his eyes with his arm. Too bright, too early. 

He heard Cullen sigh in his sleep and turned his attention in that direction. The man was laying on his stomach, one arm curled under his pillow and the other hanging off the side of the bed, still completely oblivious to the world. 

He eased the blanket down slightly, exposing the man’s body to the waist. Cullen was still unresponsive, body lifting faintly with each steady breath.

Dorian traced lightly down the Commander’s back with his fingertips, rubbing small circles and wavy lines across the expanse. Cullen shifted a bit at the touch, small goosebumps appearing in the trail of Dorian’s caress. 

Cullen yawned and turned onto his side, eyes blinking rapidly before focusing on the man stretched out next to him.

“Hello,” he murmured lazily.

Dorian gave him a tender smile as he pushed some errant strands of hair off the man’s forehead, Cullen humming in contentment as he scratched softly. They lay like that in companionable silence until Cullen grabbed his hand, pulling it down to lay a kiss on the knuckles. 

“Such a romantic.”

“Mmm, what can I say? You bring out the best in me,” Cullen smirked as he kissed them again.

Dorian shifted closer, stealing his appendage back as their bodies lay flush against each other. 

“I think my hand can be put to better use,” he whispered, resuming his feather-light touches across the Commander’s body. The other man half-sighed, half-moaned, eyes fluttering closed again as he leaned into the contact.

Dorian felt himself begin to harden at the noise and shifted back a bit, hoping Cullen hadn’t noticed. The man snuck one eye open at the motion, grinning at Dorian’s guilty look.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

He reached between them, sliding a palm over Dorian’s growing erection through his nightclothes. The mage groaned and involuntarily jerked at the touch, moving to grasp Cullen’s arm.

“Amatus…you don’t have to…”

“I want to,” Cullen whispered, leaning in to kiss Dorian as his hand snaked into the mage’s smallclothes. Dorian sighed into the kiss, shifting once more on his side to allow the man better access. 

Cullen kicked the blanket off the bed, exposing not only his movements, but his own hardness evident through his scant clothing.

“I want to see you,” he panted, relinquishing his grip to tug at the waistband of Dorian’s pants. 

The mage swatted his hand away, quickly shedding his clothing until he was lying naked, facing the man who was now stroking himself through his pants, gazing at him with heavy-lidded eyes. 

Cullen was back on him in seconds, eager to resume his touch. Dorian rolled his hips once, impatiently, as Cullen dropped his head to watch his hand move along his lover's body. 

“Maker, Dorian, you’re beautiful,” he breathed. Dorian responded by thrusting once more, Cullen groaning at the sight. 

He glanced at the mage’s face, eyes searching his for a moment before pulling back. 

“What’s wrong?” Dorian frowned. 

Cullen didn’t reply, instead moving to the foot of the bed where he removed his clothes, cock springing free in relief. He stood there, stroking himself lazily as he gazed at Dorian, who had now rolled onto his back, staring back with a mixture of confusion and lust.

“Cullen?”

The Commander still made no reply as he moved back to the bed, hovering over Dorian as he kissed him passionately. The mage instinctively spread his legs, allowing Cullen to kneel between them as their erections brushed. Cullen involuntarily ground their hips together, loud moans escaping their lips at the contact. Dorian reached down, clutching Cullen's ass as he held him in place, undulating their hips in sync until the Commander finally pulled away.

He broke the kiss, breathing heavily as he began peppering smaller kisses down Dorian’s throat to his chest, moving farther still until the realization of his intended destination struck Dorian. 

“Cullen, wait.”

The man paused, lips still hovering over Dorian’s abdomen as he looked up in puzzlement. 

“You…are you sure? You don’t have to do this.”

Cullen gave him a heated look but said nothing, sliding the rest of the way down, grasping Dorian’s cock with one hand and stroking him lightly. Dorian groaned at the touch, eyes closing briefly before he willed them open. He didn’t want to miss this.

Finally, Cullen leaned down, swiping his tongue uncertainly across his tip, watching for Dorian’s reaction. 

Dorian tried not to thrust into his mouth at the contact, instead nodding his head in encouragement as his breathing quickened. Cullen lowered himself once more, a bit more confidently, as he took the entire head into his mouth, eliciting a wanton moan from the mage’s throat. 

The noise spurred Cullen forward, taking more of Dorian into his mouth as he began stroking the shaft in time with his bobbing head. 

_He’s a natural_ , Dorian thought with a delirious grin. His moans grew louder the more eagerly Cullen moved, and he couldn’t help the occasional rut of his hips when he hit a particular spot. The man was still gazing up at Dorian from time to time, gauging his pleasure. 

“ _Fasta vaas_ , Cullen, you will be the death of me,” he panted, which only roused the man more. 

Dorian began swearing quietly in Tevene in between his moans, finally gripping the back of Cullen’s head as he neared his release. 

“Cullen…” he breathed, “please, Maker, I’m so close…” Cullen moaned as Dorian slid deeper down his throat, causing him to tremble from the stimulation. 

Dorian tightened his grip on Cullen’s hair, worrying briefly that he was holding too tight, but the other man did not seem to mind as he allowed Dorian’s hand to guide his movement. Within seconds, he could feel himself tense, holding Cullen’s head in place as his orgasm tore through him with a deafening shout. 

The Commander did not move, eagerly swallowing everything Dorian had to give until the mage finally relaxed his grip. Cullen sat up, face flushed and breathing heavily as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He grinned at Dorian who laughed in return. 

“Well, I guess there will be no doubt as to what we were up to this morning.”

Dorian’s gaze then fell to the man’s still very rigid, very swollen member hanging between his legs. Cullen followed his gaze before taking himself in hand, stroking quickly. 

“Let me…” Dorian began, sitting up.

“No,” Cullen groaned. “Want to…look at you. Like this.” 

His eyes closed briefly as his pace increased, before returning his gaze to Dorian. The man wasn’t sure what Cullen wanted him to do, as he seemed content just to look at him, spent and relaxed on the bed.

He could tell Cullen was close as his strokes became more erratic. 

“That’s it, Amatus,” he moaned, feeling his still too-sensitive cock stir slightly at the view. He ran his hands down his torso, gently touching himself as he gasped brazenly at the contact. It had the desired effect as Cullen’s eyes snapped to his movements. 

“Look what you do to me,” Dorian panted, Cullen groaning quietly in response as he leaned more of his weight forward on the bed, now hovering closer to Dorian once again. 

“I would have you do this every morning if I could,” Dorian continued, stroking himself more overtly as Cullen’s panting became louder. “Would you like me to return the favor? Perhaps at your desk? On the battlements? Yes, just like that…”

Cullen jerked forward as he cried out, shooting thick spurts of cum all over Dorian’s stomach and chest. His strokes eventually slowed with his breathing, his eyes finally refocusing on the man lying before him, a huge grin on his face.

He chuckled as he leaned down, kissing Dorian softly.

“Was that…?”

Dorian laughed, pulling him down for another kiss.

“Was it what? Amazing? Incredible? Something I would like to repeat several more times today?”

“ _Today?_ ” Cullen exclaimed, laughing. “I think you give me too much credit.”

He moved to retrieve the cloth next to his washbasin, cleaning them both up before collapsing back into bed, pulling the blanket over their naked bodies as he gathered Dorian in his arms. They settled into a comfortable silence as they dozed, before a noise below shattered their peace.

“Commander?” a tentative voice called out.

“I’m busy,” Cullen growled loudly.

“But Commander…the reports you requested. You said you wanted them immediately.”

“I’m _busy_ ,” he shouted angrily as Dorian shook with silent laughter next to him.

“Oh, well, I’ll…just leave them on your desk, ser.”

They heard the door slam shut seconds later, and Cullen let out a deep sigh.

Dorian rolled over to face him, nuzzling his head into Cullen’s neck.

“It can wait,” Cullen said softly, as if he sensed Dorian’s next words.

“Good,” he sighed. “Because I think it’s almost time for round two…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD I am so sorry it took forever to update this. I went through a rough few of weeks in my personal life and got literally no writing done at all in almost two weeks. Buttttt things are better now, and I couldn't stay away from these nerds for too long :)
> 
> I feel like at this point Cullen is very eager to please. I was debating at first whether it was out of guilt from stopping short with Dorian so many times, but that didn't feel right. I think a) he's finally becoming more comfortable in his sexuality and b) he's still sort of overwhelmed someone like Dorian is with him and he has this unconscious need to prove himself, since he knows Dorian is so much more experienced. That's sort of how I'm approaching it, but I'm sure it can be read different ways. 
> 
> I'm also very fond of nipple play with these two, although I think that's pretty obvious from the one-shots I've written about them, lol.
> 
> I'm going to try to update this a little faster, but that will all depend on how busy I am at work (and how quickly I work on my other fics). Come visit me on [tumblr](http://draco-illius-noctis.tumblr.com/) if you want to stay updated. There's also random prompts and drabbles and lots of crying over fictional characters.
> 
> Comments, etc. always welcome!


	6. Never Had No One Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's afraid their relationship has hit a roadblock. He confronts Dorian over dinner, and gets an unexpected response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when this was supposed to be my main fic/series and then I neglected to update it for 2 months because I hit a ridiculous writer's block? NOW I'M BACK.
> 
> This ended up more angsty than I planned, but I reallllly wanted to get this backstory told before the next chapter. Which will be much more lighthearted and smutty.

“I don’t understand why you don’t just move your things here, Dorian. You barely use your own room anymore.”

Cullen was looking at Dorian’s reflection in the mirror as he washed up, the mage still stretched out lazily in bed. He didn’t answer; just curled up in the middle, dragging the blanket higher over his body. Cullen sighed, splashing water on his face before pulling on the rest of his armor.

This had become a common discussion over the past couple of weeks. Cullen was never fully able to plead his case with Dorian; the mage continually interrupting him with non-committal or dismissive responses. He apparently did not want to hear what Cullen had to say, and the man was getting more frustrated the more often it happened.

It was discouraging on top of it all. He enjoyed waking up more often than not with Dorian in his bed. Dorian used his own room maybe two or three nights a week, and then only for sleeping and a change of clothes. There was plenty of space for them both in his quarters – especially considering Cullen himself owned very few possessions – but nothing he said seemed to sway the mage’s opinion.

He walked back over to the bed before leaving, only the very top of Dorian’s head visible under the blanket.

“I’ll be busy most of the day. Meet me for dinner later tonight?” he asked, pulling the cover down enough to lay a small kiss on his forehead.

The mage shifted under the blanket, eyes squinting in the morning light as he gave the Commander a sleepy smile. He reached up to grasp Cullen’s arm, tugging him down once more for a proper kiss.

“Plenty of time for me to get my beauty sleep,” he grinned, rolling back onto his side.

Cullen chuckled, tucking the blanket back where it belonged before heading to the war room.

* * *

He tried to keep his attention on the task at hand – really, he did – but the issue with Dorian was slowly weaving its way through all of his thoughts, taking root in the lingering doubts that still remained about their relationship. It weighed on him when it shouldn’t, and he fought to push it away until he was free to be with his own thoughts.

“Commander?” Lavellan asked, loudly. All three women were staring at him, and he realized he couldn’t remember the last thing any of them said.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, running a hand over his face. “I’m just…feeling a little under the weather today.”

Lavellan gave him a sympathetic look while the other two women appeared unconvinced. Leliana, in particular, seemed to be studying him, her face an impassive mask - aside from the slightly narrowed eyes. It’s enough for him to look away and back towards the map, hoping he can figure out what he missed.

“We were discussing our invitation to the Winter Palace,” Josephine prompted.

_Of course_ , he thought. They had finally managed to acquire an invitation to what was to be one of the most significant assemblies in Thedas. It was an enormous opportunity for the Inquisition to not only gain more support from the finicky Orlesian upper class and hopefully gain crucial allies for the fight ahead, but also to aid in the cessation of the Orlesian civil war.

Cullen nodded. “I will have a small contingent of our troops prepared to accompany you, just give me an estimated departure date.”

“To accompany _us_ , Commander,” Leliana corrected, a small smile playing on her lips. “You didn’t think you were staying behind, did you?”

That was exactly what he thought, but decided to hold back his disdain.

“I will send one of my captains, I do not need…”

“You are the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces, Cullen,” Josephine gently interjected. “Etiquette dictates you be there.”

“But…” Cullen faltered. “I don’t…what am I to do? Challenge an Orlesian noble to a duel for the Inquisition’s honor?”

Lavellan looked down, her hand covering her mouth as she held in a giggle. Leliana also seemed like she wanted to laugh, but a quick look from Josephine wiped the look from her face.

“We are to be the guests of Grand Duke Gaspard, if you recall. I would prefer to have your military expertise with us while we are in discussions. I also believe he will provide us with more respect, should you be there.” Josephine was beginning to look impatient, lightly tapping her quill against the paper as she spoke.

He couldn’t help but feel slightly flattered by the words, although there was still no part of him that wanted to attend. Meetings he could handle, but the rest…

“What about Skyhold? Who will remain here to oversee it? I should probably–“

Lavellan shook her head, cutting him off.

“Don’t worry, Commander,” she grinned, eyes twinkling. “You won’t be alone.”

“Obviously,” he responded, furrowing his brow. “You three will be there, and I’m sure several others. That is not what I’m–“

“And Dorian,” Lavellan grinned wider. “He’s coming as part of the inner circle.”

“Think of it as a…break, Commander,” Josephine smiled.

“Right, because _that_ is where I would choose to take Dorian for our first holiday.”

He blushed as the words came out of his mouth. Even though he was sure everyone in Skyhold knew about them by now, he still refrained from speaking about their relationship in public. _Especially_ amongst this particular group of people.

But had to admit that he felt a sense of relief wash over him at the news. While he no longer worried when Dorian was away, the idea that they would be together at such a crucial – and potentially dangerous – event made him feel slightly more at ease. He would rather be in a position to help, rather than wait for the news from afar.

“Dorian is a fine choice,” he finally responded, avoiding the innuendos surrounding Dorian’s inclusion. And the smug looks he was receiving from all three women. “He has plenty of experience in such types of events; he will blend in nicely.”

Josephine looked back to her papers, nodding briskly, all business once again.

“Precisely. We are hoping his charisma will be of use to us once there, despite his…background. Cassandra and Vivienne will be joining us, as well. Cassandra is held in high regard by many, despite her ties to the Inquisition. And Madame Vivienne, well, I do not believe I need to explain her presence. I cannot think of anyone better suited to accompany us.”

Cullen conceded that these were most likely the best choices. At the very least this would prove a welcome distraction from the other thoughts still running rampant in his head.

“Now, Commander, about your formal wear…”

* * *

By the time Cullen returned to his office, Dorian was gone. The meeting with the other advisors was much shorter than he had anticipated, so he was now determined to get as much work done as he possibly could before dinner. The upcoming trip to Halamshiral was weeks away, according to Josephine, but that still did not afford him a lot of time to prepare.

It didn’t take long for his mind to drift, however.

_It could be nice_ , he thought, being away from Skyhold together for the first time. He wondered whether Dorian had been told or if he would be allowed to break the news. He jotted off a quick note to Josephine, at once feeling silly over the little thrill in his stomach to have a surprise.

He sat back in his chair as he pondered the best way to tell him, his work nearly forgotten. He could tell Dorian over dinner. He would prefer to eat in his office, as they did on many nights when Cullen worked late, but Dorian was craving slightly more social interaction.

Although he felt a pang of guilt at the thought, perhaps after surprising him with the news, Dorian would be in a good mood and he would be able to broach the subject of moving to his quarters once again.

The messenger returned a short time later with Josephine’s reply, stating that she had not, in fact, had the chance to tell Dorian yet, and Cullen was more than welcome to inform him if he was so inclined. Pleased, he decided to push all thoughts of the evening conversation out of his mind as he turned his attention back to his work.

* * *

Dorian arrived at the tavern that evening to see Cullen already waiting for him at their usual table, mug and small, half-empty plate of cheese sitting before him.

_Well, this is odd_ , he thought as he moved to join the man. Cullen usually had to be dragged to the building to eat, and the sight of him sitting there – and for a while, it seemed – caused Dorian’s stomach to twist uneasily.

He relaxed somewhat as the other man’s face brightened once Dorian pulled out a chair and motioned for a drink.

“You beat me here for once. What’s the occasion, Commander?” he smirked, quirking an eyebrow when he noticed Cullen shift uncomfortably in his seat.

The tavern girl arrived at that moment with a mug for Dorian and promised to be back shortly with their food. Cullen was absentmindedly playing with his fingers as he stared at the table, a small smile on the corner of his mouth.

“Have you heard the news?” he asked abruptly. Dorian shook his head as Cullen continued. “We have obtained an invitation to the Winter Palace and asked to participate in the peace talks. We leave in a couple weeks.”

Dorian looked surprised at the news, staring in impressed silence as the plates of food were placed before them.

“I had not heard, but that is quite remarkable,” he replied, picking up his spoon as he poked at his stew. While the news was wonderful, he had a feeling that was not what was causing Cullen’s fidgeting.

“Yes, and I believe the Inquisitor is planning on having you as one of her entourage,” Cullen said, eagerness now creeping into his voice. He glanced at Dorian briefly before looking down at his food, the smile returning, larger this time.

“I am to go as well,” he smiled shyly as he met Dorian’s eyes. “I believe…we may be residing in the same room.”

“ _That_ is what has you so on edge?” Dorian laughed, relief surging through him as he let the words sink in. “What absolutely splendid news. We must go shopping soon, I do not believe I have any clothing worthy of the Winter Palace.” He gave Cullen an appraising look. “And I _know_ you do not. I shall ask our dear Inquisitor if she can spare –“

“I believe the formal wear is already taken care of,” Cullen cut in. “They mentioned something about taking measurements.”

Dorian’s nose crinkled at the thought.

“Well, I do hope Vivienne is involved. Otherwise, Maker knows what kind of disaster they’ll have us paraded around in.”

Cullen became distracted as he half-listened to Dorian work himself into a frenzy over proper fabric choices and how they _must_ realize he would refuse to be seen in some kind of Ferelden formal wear (“no offense, Amatus, but it is beyond dreadful”), no matter _who_ asked politely.

Dorian stopped abruptly when he realized Cullen had not spoken. The man was generally quiet during conversations like these, but he seemed more pensive. A small frown or flash of worry came and went repeatedly as Dorian spoke, and the apprehension that had disappeared upon the news of the invitation quickly returned.

“What’s bothering you, Cullen?” Dorian asked, his voice dropping to a murmur, all the grandiosity gone.

Cullen’s eyebrows shot into the air, clearly under the impression Dorian had not been paying him a bit of attention. Upon his question, he looked away sharply, refusing to meet the mage’s eyes. Dorian nudged his foot under the table, prompting the man to take a deep breath, clearly readying himself for something.

“We should share a trunk when we travel,” he said in a rush.

Dorian frowned, confused.

“All…right,” he responded carefully. “Has this been weighing on your mind, Amatus, where we pack our things?”

Cullen sat back in his chair, dropping his spoon absentmindedly in his bowl so that it splattered across the table.

“It’s not just…” he began, fingers drumming on the surface as he fought to find the correct words. “You are comfortable sharing my bed most nights. You agree to share a room and…packing arrangements…for the trip. You clearly do not object to my presence - unless I am sorely mistaken – so why must you continue to refuse to stay with me permanently?”

His voice rose slightly as he picked up steam, venting what Dorian imagined must have been building inside of him for quite some time.

“Hush, Commander, do you want the entire tavern to hear you?” Dorian hissed, blanching considerably.

“I don’t care, Dorian,” Cullen replied. He sounded tired, defeated, and looked even more so. “It’s been months. What am I doing wrong? Is it because we haven’t…”

Dorian held up a hand quickly before the man could say more. “It has nothing to do with sex, you should know that by now.” He looked around, satisfied that no one seemed to be paying them any attention – other than Bull, but Dorian was pretty sure Bull knew everything that was going on everywhere.

“Must we talk about this here, Amatus? I don’t quite think…”

“Yes,” Cullen said firmly, nodding his head and leaning forward once more. “Because if I agree to speak with you back in my quarters, or yours, or somewhere else private I know there will be no…” he coughed lightly as his face flushed, “I know we will get distracted. Please, Dorian,” he pleaded.

Dorian said nothing as he stared at the table, deep in thought.

“There was a man, a few years ago,” he said, finally. “Rilienus. We studied together, became friends. Our fathers were – are – both magisters, so it was only natural we would spend a lot of time together. Our friendship soon turned into something more.”

He paused as he sorted through the obviously painful memories.

“I thought we were in love,” he admitted. “I thought I was, anyway. Looking back now, I see how profoundly deluded I was. He would listen as I wove grand plans for the future for us both. We would both be great magisters, make our families proud and they would accept our relationship, traditions be damned.” He snorted as a look of disgust came over his face.

“Then one day I arrived at his home only to have his father approach me, smugness exuding from his entire being as he led me into the parlor. There Rilienus stood, a fawning young woman on his arm as his mother stood beaming on his other side.”

Cullen could sense where the story was going, but he kept quiet nonetheless.

“His father explained that they were ready to announce Rilienus’ betrothal that evening. That they were throwing some kind of engagement party and _of course_ I was invited, I was his dearest friend!” Dorian took a long swallow from his mug before he continued.

“I stood, silently pleading with him as he just stared at some spot over my shoulder, strained smile on his face as he avoided my gaze. I knew everyone in the room was waiting for me to congratulate him, but I had never felt so embarrassed in my life.”

Cullen reached over and took Dorian’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly as the mage took a deep breath before continuing.

“I just stood there like an idiot, seething inside as I stared. I believe I spoke his name, once, only to have him finally defiantly look me in the eyes and ask: was I not happy for him?” Dorian’s teeth were clenched as he spoke. “I spun on my heel and told his father thank you, but I did not believe I would be able to make the festivities that evening. The gloating look on his face was all I needed to see.”

Dorian emptied his mug, exhaling quietly as he stared into the bottom. Cullen wasn’t sure if he was waiting for a gesture of acknowledgment from him or was just collecting his thoughts. He opted for the former.

“Did you see him again?”

Dorian barked out a laugh loud enough that the patrons closest to them turned curiously in their direction. Cullen sat up, leveling them with a glare before they quickly turned back around.

“Oh, I saw him. I left his home and got splendidly drunk over the next several hours, and then decided it would be a good idea to drop by the party, after all.” He laughed bitterly. “I gave them the reaction they so desired. I burst into the room mid-celebration and began shouting all manner of lurid affairs that had transpired between us. I believe I gave very explicit details about the evening I nearly choked on his…”

Cullen shook his head. “And what did he do?”

Dorian grinned wryly at Cullen’s discomfort. “I apologize, Amatus, I don’t want to punish you as well. _He_ did not do anything. My father also happened to be in attendance and he subdued me before having his slaves escort me home.” He began playing with Cullen’s fingers as he grimaced, pausing once more. Cullen allowed him a moment, needing one himself to let all this information set in.

“I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible. My father took me aside once he arrived home, scolding me thoroughly even though I barely remembered it later. He informed me that my “little transgressions” could be overlooked as long as they remained out of the public eye.” Cullen cringed at the words, remembering all too clearly what Halward’s ultimate solution to Dorian’s “transgressions” had been.

“He didn’t…know, at that point?”

“Oh, he knew,” Dorian laughed. “But as he said, as long as it was private, it was easy for him to pretend it was just a passing phase. That I would eventually grow weary of my debauchery and settle down with a nice girl like Rilienus.”

“I’m sorry, Dorian,” Cullen whispered, gripping his hand once more. He hadn’t meant for Dorian to relive such horrible memories, especially in the middle of the tavern, of all places.

He was about to speak when he caught a glimpse of movement over Dorian’s shoulder. Looking up, he saw Cole hovering nearby, lingering a fair distance away but clearly itching to come closer. Cullen didn’t blame him; he could feel the hurt radiating off of Dorian, he couldn’t imagine what Cole must be experiencing. Cullen met his eyes as Cole began to step forward, shaking his head slightly and hoping his thoughts would get through to the young man.

“Cole is behind me, isn’t he?”

Cullen let out a small chuckle at the resigned look on Dorian’s face.

“But, Dorian…” Cole began, stepping closer to the table.

“ _No_ , Cole. Whatever you have to say right now, no.” Dorian spoke over his shoulder, only turning slightly so as not to lose the grip on Cullen’s hand, which strengthened.

“Pain pulling, pressing, pushing you away, why can’t you see that I love you?” Cole takes another step closer.

“Rilienus didn’t love me, Cole. Please, leave it alone.”

“I wasn’t talking about him.”

With that, he vanished. Dorian looked up at Cullen, a mixture of distress and confusion written on his face. The other man looked down, unsure what – if anything – he should say.

“Am I hurting you, Cullen?” Dorian whispered, pulling his hand away. Cullen made a desperate grab for it, but Dorian was too quick.

“No,” Cullen shook his head resolutely. “I just…” He massaged his temple as he forced himself to think before he spoke again. He couldn’t afford to screw this up.

“Let me finish my story before you speak,” Dorian said after a beat. “I met someone else, after Rilienus. Another son of a magister, Felix Alexius. Our friendship progressed much differently.”

“And…you fell in love with him, as well?” Cullen swallowed, not sure he needed a list of Dorian’s past paramours.

“What an odd thing to ask,” Dorian replied, cocking his head to the side. “No, I did not. We did become very close, however. And I realized that I was not allowing myself to develop feelings for anyone. I was _incapable_. I told myself, if it’s just sex then it means nothing, it’s not _real_. And if it means nothing, I won’t get hurt ever again.” He shook his head, looking down at the table for a moment.

“Then _you_ came along,” he smirked, looking up at Cullen’s slightly hopeful face. “You and your big puppy dog eyes and awkward conversations and it was the first time I had felt _anything_ in so long. And feeling is dangerous.”

Cullen was silent as he attempted to put the pieces together, and he did not like the way they were fitting.

“So, are you telling me you’re pushing away your feelings for me, so you don’t get hurt?” he asked hesitantly.

Dorian sighed and closed his eyes briefly. “No, Amatus. I believe I’ve made my _feelings_ for you quite known.”

“If we live together, it becomes real,” Cullen murmured, realization dawning in his mind. “Maker, Dorian, I would never hurt you.” He reached out and succeeded in retaking Dorian’s hand, the mage not meeting his gaze.

“Part of me – most of me – believes you, Amatus. But there is still that fear that one day I’ll walk into your quarters and you’ll promptly turn me away.” Cullen opened his mouth to protest, but Dorian continued.

“I’ll probably walk in and see Lavellan on your arm,” he sighed dramatically. “And then I’ll be forced to become friends with Solas so we can team up to win the two of you back. Maker, what a nightmare.” He shuddered.

Cullen smiled slightly, confused by Dorian’s sudden change in tone. He shook his head, determined not to let his resolve crumble now when they were so close to a resolution.

“Dorian…do you wish to remain with me as my lover, my _partner_ – or as my friend? Please, I just…tell me honestly.”

Dorian’s expression softened, eyes drooping and corners of his mouth lifting in the way Cullen found irresistible. It was the face he received in private, in bed, or when he believed Cullen not looking.

“You can be quite dense, Amatus,” he smiled. “If it was just your cock I was after –,” He grinned wider as Cullen’s eyes grew large, frantically looking around. “If it was just _that_ I was after, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But I’m still working out the…particulars of a real relationship.”

He threaded his fingers through Cullen’s on the table. “I must ask you to be patient with _me_ this time.”

Cullen nodded, relief overtaking his features.

“That I can do, love. This is…” he rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “This is new territory for me as well, as I believe we have spoken. Please, tell me if I do something wrong so I don’t fret like this again.” He smiled sheepishly.

“Cullen, you are clearly the first person to do something _right_ ,” Dorian smiled. “But if you are still in doubt of my affections, I believe perhaps retiring to your quarters may be in store. So I may get used to the idea of staying there permanently, of course.”

He smirked as Cullen shot up, tearing his hand from Dorian’s only to shyly offer it back as he stood.

“Perhaps it’s time for a distraction?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to be vain enough to say I hope this was worth the wait (cause I know it's not THAT good), but I hope it wasn't disappointing at least? I REALLY want to get back into the mindset of this fic so I can make some more progress, so I don't take another 2 months to update!
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me, you guys are so awesome <3 Any feedback would be wonderful!
> 
> And feel free to come bug me on [tumblr ](http://draco-illius-noctis.tumblr.com/)and harass me into keeping on top of this thing, lol.


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